2003 - Santa 2.0

For about a month; something had been bothering Santa Claus. He was sitting in his study, not eating the milk and cookies that his devoted Mrs. Claus had left for him, going over the operation reports about last Christmas. As usual, everything had gone off flawlessly. The toys had all been constructed in plenty of time. The wrapping and sorting departments had run perfectly (except for that little mix-up with the Hilton twins and the Olsen twins). Cartography put together a route that shaved 17 minutes from last year’s record time and the reindeer sniffed out a flight plan that evaded a nasty snowstorm over Norway that could have put Santa seriously behind.

Feedback from all of the good boys and girls around the world was highly positive. Mrs. Claus had been right about that Hokey Pokey Elmo. Who would have figured it would be such a big hit. Maybe he should tell her about his concerns.

Over breakfast, Santa tried to explain his misgivings to his devoted wife. He paced about the kitchen, stopping frequently to push a forkful of bacon or fried potatoes into his mouth. When he was done, she refilled his coffee cup and lovingly stroked his white beard.

“Oh, Santa, you worry too much. All you need is a change. . .”

Santa jumped up from the table and put his arms around his wife, picking her up and twirling her about the kitchen. “Of course! That’s it! My dear, you’ve done it again.”

He leapt to the window that overlooked his workshop. “For how many hundreds of years have we been running Christmas in the same way?” Mrs. Claus shrugged her shoulders.

“See, that’s what I mean. We don’t even know how long we’ve been acting this way. We’re in a new millennium. We need to change with the times.”

Mrs. Claus went to the window and put her arms around Santa’s neck. “I was thinking of a week in Hawaii. What are you talking about?”

“You’ll see. We’re going to bring Santa Claus into the 21st Century, ” he called as he headed out the door and across the courtyard to his workshop.

For the next few months, Santa, Mrs. Claus and a few of his senior elves, worked on updating Santa’s image. First to go was his belly. “With everything we know now about the problems of obesity, a fat Santa is a bad role model for all of the children,” Mrs. Claus had said. Santa agreed grudgingly and began on a exercise regimen, until the executive elf in charge of British operations reminded him that the same technology (elf dust) that allows him to slim down to wear the Father Christmas costume could be applied for a permanent weight change without changing his eating and exercise patterns. (Santa made a note to drop some elf dust off at Oprah Winfrey’s house next year.)

This gave Santa another idea. He would consolidate all of the personas he used in different countries into one new character. His design elves worked up a new costume using the best features of his many identities.

He would wear a green tunic and leggings trimmed with brown fur and cinched with a wide black belt. For the traditionalists, he agreed to a long red full-length coat, trimmed with white fur. (PETA had no representation of the design team.) He kept the beard, but he grew his hair long, which he wore in a ponytail. There was a great deal of contention over Santa’s hat. Mrs. Claus put his foot down and insisted on a red leather beret, cocked rakishly to one side.

The sled would be retired. Many options were discussed and rejected – helicopters, flying bear-skin rugs, one-man jets – until Santa’s eyes lit up over the plan from North American operations. The drawings featured Santa sitting behind the wheel of a flying 1964-1/2 Ford Mustang convertible - yellow body, black top – with bags of toys filling the back seat. When the reindeer caught wind of the changes and threatened a job action, it was agreed that they would continue to make the annual trip, now acting as an advance guard, clearing the way for Santa in his fine new ride.

His back-story was changed. Klaus (One name would make him a little edgier) had been a handyman who made toys for poor children in his spare time. While delivering a load of toys in his restored Mustang, he and his wife got lost in a blinding snowstorm. When the storm lifted, they found themselves in a strange community of elves (now tall and blond like Orlando Bloom in those Tolkien movies). Klaus learned that he had been selected by the Spirit of Christmas (modeled after Julia Roberts) to take over for Santa Claus.

After the final presentation, Mrs. Claus stood defiantly and said, “All this is well and good, but what about me? Don’t I get a new image?”

Santa laughed and nodded to his head design elf. “I thought you’d never ask, my dear.” The elf sprayed Mrs. Claus with elf dust. Slowly, her gray hair turned bright red in a short spiky cut. Her dress and apron transformed into a red-velvet jumpsuit and a white fur jacket. She also lost about 50 pounds.

“I look wonderful,” she gushed as she twirled in front of a mirror. “But . . .”

Santa immediately went to her side. “What’s wrong, dear, we . . . I mean . . . I was sure that you would like this. We can change it.”

She looked into Santa’s eyes. She reached up to play with his new ponytail. “No, I love my new look. It’s just that . . . well . . . I’m tired of being called Mrs. Claus.”

Santa was crushed. He whispered, “You not leaving me are you? I don’t think that I could . . .”

She laughed and said, “No, no, nothing like that. Its just that after all this time, . . . I want to have a first name.”

Santa turned to his design team. “You heard her. Come up with a first name. Pronto!”

Mrs. Claus stepped in front of her husband. “If you don’t mind, I already have a name in mind. Meredith. I’ve always like Meredith. And. . .” She turned to face Santa before finishing; “I want to ride along next year.”

Santa put one arm around his wife’s waist, and addressed the elves. “There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Klaus and Meredith, sailing around the world in one of Detroit’s finest muscle cars, on their annual mission of spreading Christmas joy. There’s just one last thing to do. . .”

The next day, Klaus called in his senior elves in charge of advertising and public relations. He went over every facet of his new image. He asked them to put together a complete multi-media communications program to introduce Klaus to all of the children of the world.

J. C., senior executive elf for marketing, took the floor. “The way I see it, we’ll have to put something together for all of the greeting card firms with the new designs. Local libraries and storytellers will have to be alerted. I’ve got plenty of contacts in New York and Hollywood; we’ll get some updated books and TV programs. We can get our music people working on some new Christmas carols. For example, I’m sure that we can update that Rudolph song. Paris will love to do something on the new wardrobe. Do you thing Mrs. Sa . . I mean Meredith . . . would like to be on the cover of Cosmo?”

Klaus ignored the last question. “That sounds good, J. C., but can you get everything done in time?”

J. C. leaned on the conference table, looking at his pocket calendar. “Don’t worry about a thing, Big Guy. We can get the whole thing delivered by December 27th.”


This was my first attempt at a Christmas story. But the idea was about 10 years old. In a previous life, I was a freelance writer, producing newsletters and other promotional materials for a few local companies. While shopping for holdiay cards to send to present and potential clients, my partner and I decided to make our own. Since neither of us were artists, we prepared a fold-over card with the following on the cover,

"Don't worry. We'll have everything you need for the big Christmas sale. The ads and inserts, the window signs and the stand-up, and the Santa hats for all of your people. . ."

The inside of the card read, ", , , I guarantee it'll all be in your hands by the 26th."

I am now semi-retired, just trying to keep busy and off the shuffleboard court. In 2003, i recalled the deadline gag and adapted it for a short story format. It was a hit and I hope you enjoy it.