Over the years, I have sent homemade Christmas cards to friends and family. Since I have no talent for art, decoupage or scrapbooking, I tried writing a short (hopefully humorous) holiday story.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

2015 - Santa 2.0

 “I’m tired of the big red suit, the sleigh and particularly, the North Pole!”  Santa Claus was speaking before a group of top advertising and public relations executives.  He had called them to his workshop to discuss developing a new, modern concept of “Santa Claus”. 
               “The missus and I have looked like this for over 800 years.  Too many young children are afraid of the red face and the white beard.  And their older brothers and sisters laugh at us,” Santa said.  Mrs. Claus added, “I don’t mind being old, but I do my Jillian Michaels workouts every day.  There is no reason for me to look fat!”
               Santa explained, “Everything you see up here is run on the imagination of children around the world.  They think Santa is a jolly old man who lives at the North Pole and makes toys all year.  They believe that I travel around the world in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.  The power of their belief works with the Elfish magic to make it so.  We’re tired of it, but we can’t do anything about it.”
               The leader of the New York delegation stood up and said, “If I catch what your throwing, S. C., you want us to come up with a new look for you two, the whole operation.  Then you want us to sell it the children of the world.  Make them believe in the new hip Santa.  Because, if it works, your mumbo jumbo will bring it all about.”
               Santa rose from his red leather desk chair and pounded the table.  “Yes!” he shouted, “Yes! That is exactly what we need.”  Mrs. Claus rose and put an arm on Santa’s shoulder.  She said, “When can you start?” 
               A group of art directors and graphic designers descended on the North Pole.  Santa spent most of his time with the “concept team”, a group of writers and artists who would assemble an entirely new history of the man they were now calling “Claus”. 
               A staff of engineers produced a prototype vehicle that could transform from race car to jet airplane to submarine for delivering gifts in any terrain. 
               Top European fashionistas worked with Mrs. Claus, who now went by her new first name, Meredith.  She wanted to look like a cross between Helen Mirren and Kim Cattrall.  “I want to look good in a red bikini, also,” she had said.  They drew up an entire warehouse of clothes for all occasions in her new color scheme of maroon and white.
               Claus’ new look featured a shaved head, a white goatee, and a ruby stud in one ear.  His 6 foot 4 muscular frame was draped in a skin-tight black satin t-shirt under a maroon leather duster lined with pockets which magically held all the gifts for the good children. 
               The reindeer were morphed into examples of majestic endangered animals like tigers, to accompany Claus on his Christmas Eve travels.
               The toy making operation would be located in a giant airship hovering miles above the surface of the Earth.  It would be staffed, not by elves but by pre-teen tech nerds with Apple I-pads.
               The makeover crew left with promises of a mid-summer kickoff of he “Claus Campaign”.  But when Halloween came and went with no word from New York, Santa called for a progress report. 
               “Don’t worry about a thing,” he was told by the account executive. “Everything is going according to plan. You will see the first releases no later and December 27th.

              Have a Memorable Christmas and a Peaceful New Year.





© 2015 by Michael J. MacArthur

Thursday, December 25, 2014

2014 - There once was a fellow named Santa

There once was a fellow named Santa
Who wanted to move to Atlanta
              “I’m tired of snow
              And 40 below
I can move on down South if I wanta.”

He met with the elves and the Mrs.
And explained to them about his wishes.
              The head elf, named Steve
              Just said, “When do we leave?”
And his wife smothered him with kisses.

In a warehouse out off of route 9
Were elves in a wild conga line,
              ‘Cause Steve had replaced
              Every tool in the place
With Computer Aided Design.

Since the red suit was so not couturesy,
The elf wardrobe master named Percy,
              Gave him shorts and flip-flops
              Assorted tank tops
And a red Atlanta Falcons jersey.

Pre-move, Santa had not had a notia
That he’d soon be dealing with OSHA.
              And with immigration.
              He beat the citation
With a threat to move to Nova Scotia.

He swapped out his egg nog for Yoo-Hoo.
That chocolate drink made him goo-goo.
              But he didn’t care
              He just sat in his chair
Engrossed in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

At the reindeer corral, Santa found
Their diet has made them quite round,
              Instead of mistletoe
              They pigged out on kudzu
And were too fat to get off the ground.

He learned that production might stall
Since, his wife had not sorted at all
              The letters from boys
              And girls about toys.
She spends every day at the mall.

Steve told Santa, “This year, I foresee,
We won’t have enough for each tree.
              But I’ve dealt with a friend
              Who works at Nintend-
-O, to get every kid a  new Wii.”

After spending the night on eBay,
They recalled – no reindeer, no sleigh!
              But with some elf luck
              A bright red pick-up truck
Could be air-dropped in by Chevrolet.

Then finally, Santa ventured forth
In his elf-dusted  flying transporth.
              Then they heard his voice call,
              “Merry Christmas, y’all!
Tomorrow, we’re moving back North.”

All of us at the International Center for Limerick Studies wish you a Peaceful Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. 


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

2012 - The North Pole’s in a state of unrest.

The North Pole’s in a state of unrest.
A new gift-wish-trend has been expressed
By young men who assert
They want a pleated skirt
Like the one they saw on Kanye West.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

2011 - The residents of a remote isthmus

The residents of a remote isthmus
Know nothing at all about Christmas.
They treat one another
As sister and brother
For an entire year of blissness.

Have a Loving Christmas and a
Peaceful New Year.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

2010 Television Holiday Specials

CNN – Anderson Cooper investigates “Elf Abuse at the North Pole.”

ESPN – The 1170th annual Reindeer Games. Can Blitzen continue his 537-year winning streak?

TNT – A Road House Christmas - Through the magic of CGI, Patrick Swayze and Jeff Healey clean up a soup kitchen being run by an evil social worker.

TBS – A Christmas Story II – Ralphie puts his eye out.

Discovery Channel – On Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe travels the world picking up reindeer droppings.

Comedy Central – The Futurama Xmas Special. A robot Santa decides that everyone is naughty, and deserves to die for Xmas.

Food Network – Iron Chef Holiday Battle – The chefs compete to make the best Christmas dinner with only $20 in food stamps.

AMC – A Breaking Bad Christmas – Walter negotiates a meth distribution deal with Santa Claus that will set up his family financially. Then he dies.

Lifetime – After Santa is arrested for distributing meth, his wife takes over. Meryl Streep stars as “Ms. Santa.”

History Channel – Keep X in Christmas – A historian points out that since illiterate Celts learned the use “X” as a symbol for Jesus Christ, it is ok to abbreviate the holiday as Xmas.

CNBC – Maria Bartiroma joins Martha Stewart on a tour of the best decorated lobbies of major American corporations.

ABC – On America’s Funniest Home Videos, the best videos of department store Santas getting hit in the crotch are featured.

CBS - On NCIS, someone has stolen the Joint Chiefs of Staff’s Secret Santa List.

NBC – In a special 15-minute episode, Saturday Night Live collects the only truly funny moments of the last few years.

SyFy – Death to Scrooge – Charles Dickens rises from the dead to destroy all of the amateur productions of “A Christmas Carol.:

Fox News Channel – Since he travels the world giving presents to children around the world whether they have earned them or not, the analysts ask, “Is Santa Claus a Socialist?”

MSNBC – Since he sets himself up as the ultimate arbiter or who is naughty and who is nice, the analysts ask, “Is Santa Claus a Fascist?”

C-SPAN – A Charlie Rangel Christmas - Charlis learns that the true meaning of Christmas actually is receiving.

Oddly enough, one of these is true. Send me an e-mail with your guess at limerickster@yahoo.com.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

2009 - "It looks like rain, dear, for Christmas"

There once was a reindeer named Dasher
Who consulted a New York haberdasher.
He said, ‘Make me fashionable,
Not normal or rational.
‘Cause I see myself much more panacher.”

There once was a reindeer named Dancer
Who vacationed near the Tropic of Cancer.
She lounged by the pool
Looking sexy and cool
Searching for a buck to romance her.

There once was a reindeer named Prancer
Who wanted to be a break-dancer.
The antlers made it rough
So he had them cut off,
Hoping a bald head would be the answer.

There once was a reindeer named Vixen
Whose beauty was very transfixin’
She turned up her nose
At all of her beaux
Whom she led on just to eighty-six ‘em.

There once was a reindeer named Comet
Who asked, “Where’s the island of Guam at?
My stomach’s upset
So I need to get
A balm made of Guam palm to calm it.”

There once was a reindeer named Cupid
Who did something incredibly stupid,
She drank too much grog,
Mulled wine and egg nog,
And got a DUI near Guadelupe

There once was a reindeer named Donder
Who in a past life was a condor.
That might explain why
He soars through the sky,
But the laying of eggs is a wonder.

There once was a reindeer named Blitzen
Who loves New Orleans where she sits in
With a Dixieland band
Playing piano four-hand
While tour groups watch her, kibitzin’

There once was a reindeer named Rudolph
Who is an expert at black-and-blue golf.
In spite of its name,
This reindeer game
Is tame. It’s not quite that rough.

Have a Happy Christmas. See you here in 2010.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

2008 - A Pre-Crisis Visit from Sain T'Niklas


By Clement C. Moore 5
Translated from Interlac

T’was the night before Pre-Crisis Christmas, when and all through our quarters
Not a creature was stirring, not even Proty.

The stockings were hung by the radiant heating fixture with care
In hopes that Sain T’Niklas soon would be there.

Graym and Validus were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And Imra in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap--

When out in Legion Square, there rose such a clatter
I sprung from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the view screen I flew like a flash,
Input my username and entered my password

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a giant space ship, and eight omnibeasts*

With a youthful looking pilot, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Sain T’nik.

More rapid than tarocs** his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Daxam! now, Braal! now, Rimbor and Durla!
On! Colu, on! Bgztl, on! Winath and Orando—

To the top of the porch, to the big giant “L”!
Now, dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

So, up to the rocket pad the coursers they flew,
With a ship full of toys -- and Sain T’Niklas too.

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
The stomping and tromping of each giant hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Over by the viewscreen, Sain T’Niklas materialized without a sound.

He was dressed all in synth-fur from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all covered with a personal trans-suit.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a holo-vid infomercial spokesperson just opening his pack;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And if smoking hadn’t been outlawed in the 22nc century, the smoke would have encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a Bouncing Boy full-size action figure.

He was chubby and plump--a right jolly old elf;
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself only having one arm.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his wrist-mounted-communicator,
And giving the word, he dematerialized.

He appeared in his ship, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a Winathian corn-thistle;

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and try not to pay too much attention to continunity, because it is quite unreasonable to expect our modern chroniclers to hold fast and true to stories written almost fifty years ago, and besides it’s just a comic book, and to all a good night."

*Adventure Comics 309, “The Legion of Super Monsters”
** Adventure Comics 312, “The Super Sacrifice of the Legionnaires”

All right! It's time to reveal my dirty little secret. At 57 years old, I am a comic book fan. More specifically, a fan of the Legion of Super Heroes, a franchise of DC Comics that is over 60 years old. The Legion is a group of super-powered teenagers who fight crime and galactic invaders in the 31st century. If you are not familiar with the Legion, you won't get any of the jokes, but trust me, the fanboys who find there way here are LOLing and ROFing.

Next post: This year's Christmas message.