2007 - The Christmas Day Massacre

The following is an excerpt of a transcript of a surveillance recording made at the Badda Bing strip club, Newark, New Jersey on November 1, 2007 by the New Jersey field office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Special Agent in charge – Clarice Blackbird

Meeting called by Anthony Soprano, capo of New Jersey crime organization.

Soprano: Ok, let’s get down to business. I’d like to thank all of you; some of you have traveled long distances, for coming to this meeting. It is good to see the members of the 7 families together again. Welcome, Father Time, representing New Year’s Day,

Time: Thank you, Tony.

Soprano: All the way from Mother Roma, Cupid to speak for St. Valentine’s Day.

Cupid: (Speaking Italian, translation to follow)

Soprano: The little fella in the corner, Easter Bunny.

Bunny: Big enough to kick your –

Soprano: Hey, hey, I meant no offence. Lighten up, there.

Bunny: (indistinct)

Soprano: Welcome to the Spirit of America, representing Independence Day, Uncle Sam.

Sam: Good to see all of you gentlemen again.

Soprano: From Halloween, Jack O’Lantern. We all trust the flight from Ireland was pleasant.

O’Lantern: Enough Guinness makes any journey pleasant.

Soprano: And last but certainly not the least, here’s Fat Tom Turkey, to speak for Thanksgiving.

Turkey: Stop pulling my leg, Tony. (laughter) That never gets old. And I would like to thank our friend Tory for providing this security force. I didn’t realize that you had so many big bruisers in your crew.

Soprano: Yeah, well, these are some freelance guys. But I can vouch for them. Your as safe here as in your mothers’ arms. As you can see, the big Kraut is missing. Santa Claus was not invited to this meeting . . .

Time: . . . ‘Cause Fat Tom wants to whine about the Kraut muscling in on his territory, like he does every year. Look, it’s been like this for years. Claus gets the biggest territory, because he accepted the winter months, - like I did – and he needs a bigger area to generate his income.

Turkey: Listen, old man – no offense to my long time friend – but the Kraut is expanding even beyond my territory.

O’Lantern: That’s right. You all saw it. There was more red and green in the stores than black and orange all throughout October. I’m joining Fat Tom to ask – no, to demand – that this group do something to rein in Santa Claus.

Turkey: How long before he tries to squeeze you out, Time. Those after-Christmas sales are extending past New Year’s.

Cupid: (speaking Italian)

Soprano: Well said, my friend. Gentlemen, between the six of you, you control holidays across the entire calendar. But – forgive me for being frank – your combined take, doesn’t even come close to what Santa Claus brings to his North Pole home. I believe that your compatriot, Fat Tom, would like you to consider what your operations would be like without Christmas monopolizing holiday expenditures.

Sam: Hold on. I haven’t any problems with Santa Claus. He doesn’t bother Independence Day.

Turkey: Just you wait. A few billion I-Pods and Playstations dropped down some chimneys in China, and we’ll see how eager the Chinese will be to ship all thase fireworks for you. And face it, without fireworks, you’re nothing. And Cupid, when’s the last time that February jewelry sales beat December sales.

(Many voices speaking at once)

Soprano: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please, some order, please. I’m just a neutral facilitator here, but it is evident to me that the size of Santa Claus’ operation is a threat to all of you.

(Murmuring)

Turkey: Now is the time to strike. If we whack the Kraut, we can bring in some new blood with heavy tribute for all of us. The Teamsters would love to elevate Labor Day. Think of the St. Patrick’s Day beer revenue that we could get a piece of.

(Murmuring)

Soprano: My friends, you could argue this until Christmas. (Laughter) This has been brewing for a long time. Without any objection, I suggest that by a show of hands, you vote on Tom’s proposal. Do you want to eliminate Santa Claus. . . . two, three, four, five . . . I’m sorry, Mr. Bunny, you’ll have to stand up. . . six.

Turkey: Thank you my friends. Now, are there any objection that we allow our friend, Tony, to handle this job for us?

(Murmurings of agreement)

Soprano: Thank you for your confidence in my organization. (Sound of chair movement) Although, I will have to break the news to my children. Meadow was counting for a convertible.

(Laughter, followed by doors bursting open)

Unknown voice: RED DOG, ONE BLUE EIGHTEEN!
(Sounds of gunshots, probably automatic weapons, shouting in both high- and low-pitched voices)

Turkey: (weakly) Tony, how could you?

(Single gunshot)

Soprano: Sorry, Fat Tom, just business. All clear. Peyton, let our friend in please.

Claus: Ho, ho, ho. What have we here? What could have happened to all of my dear friends? It looks like they didn’t appreciate their early Christmas presents. I was sure that they would like bullets.

(Laughter)

Soprano: I had no ideas that Elves could handle this kind of armament.

Claus: Are you kidding? They’ve been in training for over twenty years. I never trusted that old bird.

Soprano: Well, I suggest we vacate the premises as soon as possible. But I would like to finalize our . . .

Claus: Ho ho, ho. Not to worry. Just like we discussed. Thanksgiving is gone, now it’s Pre-Christmas, and New Year’s Day will be the last day of Christmas. Easter will be named Spring Christmas – I’ve already got my candy and basket operations working overtime. St. Valentine’s Day will be Lover’s Christmas. We’ll have American Christmas to replace the Fourth of July here in the US, and we’ll be taking over other national holidays across the globe. Halloween will be Dark Christmas – the gross profit on candy is so much higher than toys. And Tony, in addition to your percentage of all of this, you will also run St. Joseph’s Day with its new status as a full holiday. It’s about time the old buy got some attention.

Soprano: You are very kind. But what about Peyton Manning and our other friends here?

Claus: I did not forget your security detail. It was a precision operation, keeping my former colleagues pinned down while the elves moved in. Gentlemen, in exchange for a set of signed game-worn jerseys, we will be elevating Super Bowl Monday to full world holiday status, and we will help you push futbol – I’m sorry, soccer – off of the world sport scene.

Manning: Thank you sir, we were pleased to be involved. Say, would you like a cool “18” decal for the side of your sleigh? It’s priceless.

Claus: Don’t push it, son. (Laughter) Well, you’re all invited to my retreat for a little celebration.

Soprano: Thank you, but I’m not sure about the North Pole . . .

Claus: (expletive deleted) I’m talking about my place in the Bahamas. Just keep it quiet. Mrs. Claus doesn’t know about this one.

(Laughter)

This idea came from a comment referring to Thanksgiving as "Pre-Christmas". I imagined a plot engineerted by the riant retailers to eliminate the Thanksgiving meal to allow more time for shopping. That warped into a mob takeover. In 2007, I had never seen an episode of the Sopranos, but I worked with plenty of people who did. This one was for them.